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NOTICE: Due to the serious nature of professional news reporting, this website may contain strong language and adult themes. Babies should avoid this site. Latest NewsStourgate Town player profile: Ray BarnesTown’s longest serving player When Ray Barnes first played for Town the Queen was still the Queen and not dead and Morecambe and Wise were the number one TV show. He is Town’s longest serving and - some would say - most average player. We spoke to Ray at a recent trining session at The Warren. Ray signed as a schoolboy even though he had dropped out of school to be a drugs runner like in Top Boy. He soon realised he couldn’t keep playing football and sell drugs for a living so he stopped playing for a year. But his life was changed by Town’s manager at the time, Christian do-gooder Benny Hills.
Letters To The EditorReaders respond to last week’s coverage of the seafront car park consultation. Dear Editor, I was deeply saddened to read your editorial last week [Seafront Car Park It’s a Winner]. My wife and I live in a caravan by the seafront and the last thing we need is a car park. We haven’t even got a car for goodness sake! The new car park will no doubt attract thieves, vandals, gypsies, lefties and other scum. Why can’t Stourgate go back to when it was a lovely town, just before the war. I’m not racist but there were no foreigners then and no need for a car park. Stourgate In BriefBin collection delayed by one day due to bank holiday. Market’s Tuesday pitch count rises to nineteen stalls. A new stall selling bed valences was added this week. Dog seen on seafront for third day running, no owner identified. Witnesses claim it looked like a dog. The RSPCA have installed their top marksman in a hide in the Marina. Stourgate one of seven gates of hell. Retiring Cardinal Alfonso Ricci says there is a portal to hell behind Betfred in the High Street. Whats OnListing for all local events. MUSIC Acoustic duo Meg and Pong play hits from 70s Chilean folk songs, Friday, September 18th, Stourgate Superdome. £175-£386. Sold out. Come join us at Stourgate Village Hall live music on Friday, September 18th. Oasis, provided they don’t demand surge pricing (we’re negotiating), in which case Bruce Springsteen will step in to take the slot. The rest of the bill features opening sets from Simon & Garfunkel, System of a Down, an exclusive reunion set from Pink Floyd featuring Roger Waters, and a brief acoustic set from T. Swift. Doors open at 7:00 PM, parking is limited, and tea, squash, and cakes will be provided by the Parish Committee in the foyer. £8.50, or two for £9. Hospital Trust Addresses Concerns Over X-Ray ServiceOn Tuesday morning Maggie Hawkins and Dave boulder was stood outside Stourgate NHS trust. They have been there for a whole week. Protesting the hospital’s decision to close its x-ray department. “If we don’t stand up for this who will” said Maggie. A spokesman for the hospital, Dave Pearson said that the reason the x-rays parlour was closed was that there was a bomb made of adantium and Spider-Man said radiation could cause it to explode. Market Traders Angry Over Pitch Fee IncreaseTraders at Stourgate’s Tuesday and Saturday market have raised objections to a proposed increase in pitch fees. Roy Halls said, ‘I’ve been selling bed valences here since the 60s and my parents did the same. If this 10% increase happens it’ll be the end for me. I only make around 70% profit and I’m lucky if I clear £800 a day. They’ll be taxing our fags next, bloody Burnham.’ Grammar School Reports Record Exam ResultsStourgate Grammar School has reported its best exam results in a decade. Headmaster Roy Bobby, who took charge of this year’s results day after the retirement of the previous head of upper school, admits the term did not begin well. Mr Bobby had grown to dread results day ever since a former colleague, Ms Karen Voss, left the profession abruptly some years ago following a dispute over marking boundaries. Every August, Stourgate Grammar competes informally with Dunton College, the private school across the estuary, to see whose results make the better headline. This year Mr Bobby was assigned an assistant, Terry Poppins, the nephew of the outgoing head and, by his own admission, not what most people would picture when they think of an exams officer. Council Rejects Endangered Species resolution.Chimpanzees are an endangered species and Stourgate Council rejected a resoluton that could not only have saved the species but also all life on earth. At least that is according to cllr. Barry Heptfleck who proposed Bill 44-A, 2026 also know as The Chimp Bill. Stourgate Town Council voted 6-1 on Tuesday to reject The Chimp Bill. The bill mandated replacing ‘chimpanzee’ with ‘himpanzee’ in all council communications.
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